this is a small photo, taken many years before i was even born. but this is the only picture i had access to on my computer. it was mom, my sister kathy, my sister brenda, and dad. probably taken in 1963. my mom would've been in her early twenties in this photo.
on this day, december 20, 1985, my mom died. she was in mexico. getting some experimental treatments for the stomach cancer that she'd been battling for just over a year. it was a last chance. but it did not save her life. she was 43 years old. i was 15 years old. i have spent more years without my mom, than with her. and sometimes i cannot remember her voice. and then i will hear someone talk who's voice is like hers. sometimes i cannot remember her perfume. and then i will get a whiff of someone wearing gloria vanderbuilt. and sometimes just the scent of velamints reminds me or her. or wrigley's spearmint gum. or wadded up tissues at the bottom of my purse. odd little things. but mostly i am reminded of her when i see other adult women with their moms. and it makes me wonder "what if...".