today, october 15th, is designated as "pregnancy & loss remembrance day". a good friend of mine, jenn, has is the person who brought this day to my attention. yesterday at my weekly bible study, there was information about this day. and on jenn's blog, she tells her story and she gives the statistics regarding miscarriages, stillborn babies, and sids. but statistics are just numbers. and numbers do not take away the hurt, the pain or the desire to hold the child that has died. but all of those feelings and wants are beyond each of us. it is God's plan. and as someone shared in my bible study small group: following and believing in God is like when you lived with your parents: you may not have liked the rules or their decisions, but it was their house and while living there, you followed their rules. boy does that put faith in perspective! and as a parent, there are times when i choose not to "explain" my decision to my children...just as God does with each of us who believes!
here is my story:
i have struggled with endometriosis for years. i have had 2 surgeries. i also tried to do injections that threw me into menopause over the course of 1 week (not fun!). and have been on birth control off and on for a long time. endometriosis itself can cause infertility. being on the birth control pill can hinder getting pregnant also. so, when i met my husband and we married 13 months later, we decided to try to get pregnant immediately (we were both 33 when we married...first marriages for each of us...). my doctor suggested trying for 6 months. as we were approaching that 6 months, i realized i was pregnant! we were overjoyed! but my husband wanted to wait to announce it until after the 1st trimester. but we did tell our families over christmas celebrations. one night in january, i realized that something was wrong. we went to the e.r. where they were unable to determine 100% that i was having a miscarriage. i had not even met my ob here and my first meeting with him was in the midst of a miscarriage. over the next 2 days it was determined that yes, i was miscarrying and my new ob scheduled a d&e. i was 11 weeks along. i was devastated.
luckily, we did get pregnant a second time and although it was a very high risk pregnancy, it ended with a beautiful girl we named wren! since we had struggled with initially getting pregnant and then the miscarriage, we chose to start trying to get pregnant when wren was 7 months. thinking that it could take a while. or not. sixteen months later, after another very high risk pregnancy, linnea joined our family! our daughters are healthy and happy little people...
and i always thought that we should have three kids. no, not to try to have a boy. that number just felt "right". however, i am now in another difficult decision-making time of my life. you see, the endometriosis is back. and so now we must decide on whether i will have one ovary and the endometriosis removed, or a hysterectomy (leaving one ovary). i don't want to make the decision. but i also don't want to continue in the pain and whatnot that the endo is causing. so i am praying. praying that God will help us to make the decision. and i know He will. just maybe not on my timetable.
please take a moment today and honor those who have miscarriage or who has had a child go with Jesus way too soon. pray for those moms. and those children. and just remember.
"For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb."